Let’s talk about miscarriages.

Why is it that we feel the need to keep miscarriages a secret?

My first miscarriage was in September of 2012. Excited about a second child, we went in to our viability scan only to find out that the baby wasn’t viable. Two days later, I miscarried. I felt broken and the fact that Ryan couldn’t make it better was crushing to him.

When it happened, I wondered what was wrong with me. Jack was my only child at the time and I questioned if I would ever have any more children. Then I started sharing because I am a notorious over sharer.  I started to tell people about my miscarriage and the craziest thing happened. I found out that the majority of reproducing  women I know had had a miscarriage at some point in time. An overwhelming majority!!!

So why is it a secret? Secrets add a layer of shame to events and I don’t believe there is any shame in having a miscarriage. There is grief, sadness and mourning but not shame.

Last week I had a miscarriage. I had gone for a viability scan on the morning of Hudson’s fourth birthday. I was 7.5 weeks pregnant. We saw the baby and before the doctor had a chance to tell us, I noticed there was no heartbeat. She gave us two possibilities.

  1. I wasn’t as far along as I had thought. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and it is possible that, at that stage, the heart had not yet started beating. or…
  2. The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and my body had yet to realize the pregnancy was not viable and miscarry.

I knew. It was the latter.

I waited a week to miscarry naturally but the wait was too difficult for me emotionally and I scheduled a suction D&C with my Ob/Gyn. That was Friday morning. Five days ago.

I am sharing this for two reasons.

  1. As stated earlier, I am a notorious over sharer. I believe in talking about all the things because that’s how I heal best. and…
  2. Someone else out there must feel the way I did the first time around and I want them to know they are not alone and it’s not their fault. It happens. It sucks something awful, but it happens. To more people than you know. 10-15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.

If you are the person going through the miscarriage, reach out for support. I have friends and family who have raised me up in this time when I felt so very low. If you know someone who had a miscarriage, acknowledge their loss. They are grieving and doing so alone is just the worst. Don’t compare their miscarriage to others you’ve heard of and don’t ask if it was something they did. I actually had someone ask me if I was lifting things that were too heavy. No. No I wasn’t. My strong, badass body  just knows more than I do and knew that this wasn’t the baby for me. Not yet.

I also want you to know I am okay. The last time I miscarried it allowed me to have my Hudson. He is such a beautiful gift. Who knows what awaits us next. We will try again and hopefully have a healthy, fourth, and final baby. And if that isn’t in the cards, well, I have three rad little boys that make my life pretty awesome. How lucky am I?

With Love from Detroit,

Callie

P.S. Hi, my name is Callie Sullivan. I decide not to blog for over a year and then re appear with this depressing little diddy. You’re welcome.

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26 Comments
  • Virginia
    September 6, 2017

    ❤️

  • Sharon Barbour
    September 6, 2017

    God bless you & your family! You are wonderful for sharing! You are absolutely correct about the positive effect this might have on someone who can’t share & might be miserable! You & your husband are strong & United in a way that a lot of couples aren’t. I’ve followed you on FB & am always moved by the beautiful things you do as a family!
    Thank you for caring enough about others that you put any angst aside & seek to help in the healing process! Bravo Callie Sullivan!!! 😘

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Thank you Ms. Barbour ;). This means a lot to me.

  • Jennifer Jackson
    September 6, 2017

    So sorry sending love your way! Love you lots! Uncle Tim and Aunt Jennifer

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Thank you Aunt Jennifer, Love you.

  • Kathy Briwn
    September 6, 2017

    Thank you for sharing Callie. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I also had a miscarriage. They called it a “blighted ovum”. At the time, I had been going through fertility testing and treatment. I found out I was the one who couldn’t get pregnant. We tried for several years. After being treated with a fertility drug, Clomid, I found out I was pregnant. At the time (1986) it was rare to know about a pregnancy one month in. I was so excited!

    I was teaching at the time, and immediately began making plans to quit my job to be a stay at home mom. Since I knew I was pregnant so soon, by month 3, I was sure everything would be fine. (When you go to a fertility doc, they closely monitor you.) I was released from the fertility clinic and made an appointment with the OB the next week. Over that weekend, I noticed something was not right. I went to the hospital, where they did an ultrasound. The tech was silent. I was told I had a blighted ovum. The baby didn’t develop past a few weeks, but my body continued to think I was pregnant. They told me to go home and pray. It was a catholic hospital.

    I didn’t know what to expect. I walked around for two days praying. I had the miscarriage at home and had to bring the remains to the hospital afterward. It was horrible. There was no counseling for this, no one talked about it. In my mind there was a baby and then it was gone. I never thought I would have kids.

    Luckliy, 3 months later, I got pregnant. My son Matt was born and is my only child. He just turned 30😀 I am so fortunate to now be able be a “stay at home grandma” since I retired from teaching. I have a 4 year old granddaughter and 6 year old grandson, who I care for 6 days most weeks. They are the light of my life!

    Thank you for being brave and sharing. I’ve never shared my story. You have a beautiful family and my prayers are with you.❤️

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Oh Kathy, Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. So happy you have those grand babies to care for.

  • Kathy Brown
    September 6, 2017

    *Kathy Brown

  • Linda
    September 6, 2017

    Beautiful post Miss Callie. I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m so glad you put it out there for other mom’s and hopefully it lifts them up! Love and hugs to you my Dear Callie!

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Thank you. We are doing surprisingly well and appreciate all the support. Love you too.

  • Kerri
    September 6, 2017

    Oh Sweetie…I am so sorry for your loss. There are no good words. I know because I have been through four miscarriages (that I know of). It was a lifetime ago, but a little ache in my heart that I carry with me. God had a different plan for me and I found that “mothering” comes in all different forms. I am a step-mom to two amazing men, a wonderful daughter in-law and a step grandma to the cutest little boy ever. I have mothered several girlfriends over the years. I have had a few special fur babies that have fed that nurturing gene. I am truly blessed in so many ways. Sharing so you know your not alone and thank you for sharing….hugs.

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Kerri, thank you for sharing. Four miscarriages must have been so painful. I’m glad you have found ways to share all the love you have to give.

  • Carter Sullivan
    September 6, 2017

    I don’t know… maybe its our name, but I had 2 as well. And they both sucked, but taught me patience and resilience. I love that you can share in vulnerability, which is really strength by another name. Go Callie!

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Thanks for sharing Callie. I’m sorry you had to go through that but so happy to see the beautiful family you created. xoxo

  • Nicole Keskitalo
    September 6, 2017

    Thank you Callie for being so open, raw and honest. As you know, I too miss carried in Jan. I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I am also an over sharer and I, like you, couldn’t believe the amount of women I knew who had also been through the same tragedy. Your blog gives me courage to be even more open about it because I KNOW there are more women sufferimg silently and they simply shouldn’t have to. Thank you so much for sharing, your boys are beautiful and so are you <3

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Thank you Nicole. Love and miss you. XOXO

  • Melissa Piccirilli
    September 6, 2017

    ❤️ To you and the family. I miscarried at 10 weeks (the early morning before my first ultrasound). It’s a heartbreak and pain I won’t won’t soon forget). I also wondered why more people don’t talk about it openly, I know it’s not a pleasant subject, but it’s a reality and I wish more people knew they weren’t alone. Thanks for writing this and opening the door others. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Callie
      September 6, 2017

      Oh Melissa, what a shit year. I am sending you so many positive vibes and a giant hug. XOXO

  • Marge
    September 6, 2017

    So Sorry to hear this. Know that you and your family are loved so so much.

    • Callie
      September 19, 2017

      Thank you Marge <3 xo

  • Miriam Palmer
    September 7, 2017

    I haven’t had a miscarriage but I worried about it through my whole pregnancy and basically held my breath during each ultrasound and heartbeat check. I can’t imagine actually going through it. Thinking of you and agree with the other comments that it is so great for you to share!

    • Callie
      September 19, 2017

      Thanks Miriam xoxo

  • Colleen Schaffer
    September 7, 2017

    I love that you are back! I am also very sorry to hear about your loss. I know it can’t be easy and am sending you and your family so much love!

    • Callie
      September 19, 2017

      “Back” might not be the right word. I am still trying to figure out a writing schedule that is realistic. Something better than once a year 🙂

      Love you Col.

  • Rachelle
    September 7, 2017

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing something that is undeniably incredibly difficult. I too have had multiple miscarriages, a partial molar pregnancy (relatively rare and complicated) before Rocco, an ectopic pregnancy in between the boys, and my pregnancy with Nico began as twins. Child-bearing in general is such a difficult and sensitive topic, I truly believe that by sharing experiences and being open and vulnerable with one another – whether it be miscarriage, infertility, or the desire not to have children – it will help others (and ourselves) understand the overwhelming guilt, frustration, grief, loneliness, etc. that can come along with it, and that we’re not alone.

    • Callie
      September 19, 2017

      Thanks Rachelle. I had no idea you went through any of that but I am grateful to you for sharing. xo -Callie

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