Why is it that we feel the need to keep miscarriages a secret?
My first miscarriage was in September of 2012. Excited about a second child, we went in to our viability scan only to find out that the baby wasn’t viable. Two days later, I miscarried. I felt broken and the fact that Ryan couldn’t make it better was crushing to him.
When it happened, I wondered what was wrong with me. Jack was my only child at the time and I questioned if I would ever have any more children. Then I started sharing because I am a notorious over sharer. I started to tell people about my miscarriage and the craziest thing happened. I found out that the majority of reproducing women I know had had a miscarriage at some point in time. An overwhelming majority!!!
So why is it a secret? Secrets add a layer of shame to events and I don’t believe there is any shame in having a miscarriage. There is grief, sadness and mourning but not shame.
Last week I had a miscarriage. I had gone for a viability scan on the morning of Hudson’s fourth birthday. I was 7.5 weeks pregnant. We saw the baby and before the doctor had a chance to tell us, I noticed there was no heartbeat. She gave us two possibilities.
- I wasn’t as far along as I had thought. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and it is possible that, at that stage, the heart had not yet started beating. or…
- The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and my body had yet to realize the pregnancy was not viable and miscarry.
I knew. It was the latter.
I waited a week to miscarry naturally but the wait was too difficult for me emotionally and I scheduled a suction D&C with my Ob/Gyn. That was Friday morning. Five days ago.
I am sharing this for two reasons.
- As stated earlier, I am a notorious over sharer. I believe in talking about all the things because that’s how I heal best. and…
- Someone else out there must feel the way I did the first time around and I want them to know they are not alone and it’s not their fault. It happens. It sucks something awful, but it happens. To more people than you know. 10-15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.
If you are the person going through the miscarriage, reach out for support. I have friends and family who have raised me up in this time when I felt so very low. If you know someone who had a miscarriage, acknowledge their loss. They are grieving and doing so alone is just the worst. Don’t compare their miscarriage to others you’ve heard of and don’t ask if it was something they did. I actually had someone ask me if I was lifting things that were too heavy. No. No I wasn’t. My strong, badass body just knows more than I do and knew that this wasn’t the baby for me. Not yet.
I also want you to know I am okay. The last time I miscarried it allowed me to have my Hudson. He is such a beautiful gift. Who knows what awaits us next. We will try again and hopefully have a healthy, fourth, and final baby. And if that isn’t in the cards, well, I have three rad little boys that make my life pretty awesome. How lucky am I?
With Love from Detroit,
P.S. Hi, my name is Callie Sullivan. I decide not to blog for over a year and then re appear with this depressing little diddy. You’re welcome.